“Assembly Kids, MK’s and PK’s”

Announcing **drumroll** a new section on the Reflections site – “Assembly Kids, MK’s and PK’s”. Finally, former AK’s don’t have to sift through stuff that’s mostly relevant to your parents. The links to what will speak most directly to your situation are all in one place. What’s with the “MK’s” and “PK’s”, you ask? Well, oddly enough, Assembly kids have quite a lot in common with pastors’ kids in other church settings and missionary kids, especially those who were sent away to boarding school. So we’re inviting them to Reflections, because we have a lot of good stuff.

More on, “What do we still have to do??”

So, to recap from the previous post -

1. God’s standard is not a list of rules. It’s LOVE.
2. Human beings are totally messed up and unable to love very well.
3. So we need someone to bring justice into the pain we’ve caused, and…
4. Do something for us so we can belong in God’s Circle of Love.

Enter Jesus. We are very familiar with the fact that he died for our sins. But the second part seems to be something that isn’t talked about a lot in evangelical circles. Jesus lived a perfect life and that was for us, too. He accomplished on our behalf what we will never be able to, and the Father was delighted!

So what happens is we are let off the hook and receive mercy, and we receive the huge gift of a perfect human life credited to our account. Is that Grace with a capital “G” or what?! Paul says that we now stand in grace – we are in good standing with God. God is satisfied, completely satisfied. As Jesus said, “It is finished.” There is no more to be done to earn God’s approval.

In some circles, grace like that is regarded as a bad idea, a dangerous message, because where is the motivation to shape up and become better people? Everyone knows self-improvement is the name of the game. Some form of good works to earn God’s approval is highly desirable; it’s man’s natural religion.

But….once you truly get hold of the reality that you will never be able to do enough to make God happy, then the truth of the Gift is a staggering relief. We are accepted in the Beloved. Imagine that – we are brought into the embrace of the very same tender, passionate, focused love that the Father has for the Son! John exclaims, “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us!”

Believing and receiving that kind of love brings security and rest and peace and happiness. It provides the deep soil of connection and worth in which we can grow. It’s the environment in which human beings are designed to flourish. Infants fail to thrive when cuddles and delighted smiles are missing, no matter how well they are cared for; babies who are loved develop and grow. The same is true of our souls, from birth till death.

Being so loved, then, is the context for the New Testament “commandments”. The “do’s” are a result of God’s love, they don’t earn it. Paul reinforces this in most of his letters, expounding the gospel in the first chapters, and only after that giving instruction on the Christian life in the latter chapters. There is a handy way of describing this order – first the indicatives, then the imperatives.

This casts the imperatives in a completely different light. They come AFTER the good news, the Gift. They grow organically out of Love. Being loved, you become more loving. As John says, “We love, because he loved us first.” Growing in grace means understanding and receiving more and more deeply the meaning and extent of the love of God, and loving people more as you grow in grace.

Your attitude toward people begins to change. You want to help, you don’t want to hurt, you want to be more patient, there are people you want to pray for…and there you are, involved in the main things we are instructed to do, but from an entirely different motivation. It’s not about us trying to achieve “sonship” to make ourselves acceptable; it’s focused outwardly on God and neighbor.

And it puts an entirely different aspect on guilt. You still feel it, of course, because you don’t love perfectly, you’ve failed in many respects. But that is not the same as guilt for having not done enough to achieve spiritual stature and earn God’s approval. When you let yourself off the performance hook, trying to do stuff perfectly and do enough of it, and instead allow yourself to simply grow in grace as you live your normal life learning to love better, guilt becomes manageable. You confess it to God, ask for grace to do better, and go on.

The confession of sin in the Enlish-speaking church since the Reformation puts it so well, “… how often we have offended you in thought, word and deed, not only by obvious violations, but by failing to conform to its perfect commands, by what we have done and by what we have left undone”. We pray that together every Sunday, because we need to, and God knows we will need to until the very day he takes us home.

It’s a huge relief of soul to accept our fallibility, and stop. Stop expecting that we ought to arrive at a point in this life where we won’t have to pray that prayer. Stop feeling that God is disapproving of us because we aren’t there yet. And relax in the finished work of Christ.

When you find yourself all tense about what you “ought to be doing”, remind yourself that you are in the Circle of Love, and because of God’s love, you are growing in grace, and that is what he is expecting of you. The instructions in the New Testament are to that end, to show us what growth looks like.

An Assembly mental roadblock pop up at this point – “What about rewards??” Funny how you don’t hear much about this subject in normal churches. It takes a narcissist to blow it all out of proportion – to feed his ego – and leave the rest of us scrambling. And then there’s the flip side of “losing out”. We have all those threats hanging over our heads as believers! “Reality Therapy” wasn’t just used in brothers houses – the ministry applied it to all of us.

Stay tuned…

So what do we still have to do??

Those of us coming out of performance-based Christian systems are happy to have escaped the pressure of all the stuff you had to do to be “spiritual”. So glad that’s behind us. But there is still a depressing anxiety – “I feel that I was a better Christian when I was doing all that stuff. The Bible has all those commands – pray, study the Bible, etc. In the church I (sometimes) attend now, I constantly hear exhortations about it. Don’t I have to be doing these things in order for God to approve of me?”

The short answer is “No.” God approves of us because of Jesus. Period. Jesus died for our failures, plus he perfectly obeyed God on our behalf. God accepts what He did and puts it to our account. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

So, okay, you believe that already. That is how you came to Christ. But now that you’re a Christian, aren’t things expected of you? The commands are still there in the Bible and they continue to plague you.

I want to attempt a couple of posts to tease out the elements of our freedom from performance, so we can chew it in small pieces and hopefully begin to digest it without gagging on hard lumps of commands. It’s not that new “truth” is needed to solve this problem. It’s a matter of bringing together what we already know.

To begin, it’s important to keep firmly in mind God’s single overarching value, which is LOVE. The Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit have been enjoying perfect love and communion from all eternity. Human beings were expressly designed in the image of God to have the ability to take part in that circle of love. It was the great pleasure of the triune God to include man. Jesus summed up God’s expectations for man. There were only two (all the others hung on these): Love God and love your neighbor.

BUT….right off the bat Satan very cleverly lured Eve to waver from her love of God and Adam and to act independently. And he lured Adam to forsake his love of God and Eve in his desire for the “knowledge” she had acquired. Then Adam started the blame game, and we know the rest of the story.

Obviously, in terms of God’s law of love, mankind is now completely riddled with sin. It’s a fact often conveniently skimmed over in performance-based ministries, in the relentless push to get everyone doing more and doing better. But hold the phone. We are thoroughly messed up people. Love is not our strongest point. Faith in Christ doesn’t miraculously change that.

If a church is set up in terms of rules, it might make sense to assume that the gospel changes us from being unable to keep them, into those who now can. But if the Church operates on the law of love, it becomes apparent that the gospel does not transform us into beings who are now capable of perfect love. Try as you might, your buttons still get pushed. Your family background causes you to do too much for someone. Or too little. You practice petty deceptions to save yourself from disapproval. And the thoughts you sometimes have about certain people…let’s not even go there. Isaiah speaks the truth – our best righteousness is like filthy rags.

But the thing is, God still wants perfect love around Him, and the Bible is very clear, from beginning to end, that “sort of” living up to his expectations won’t fly. If you slip up in the least way, you’re guilty of breaking the whole thing, because it’s not a matter of a list of rules, some of them important and some minor. If God’s standard of righteousness is a matter of love, you’re either righteous on the basis of living a perfectly loving life, or you’re not.

This has been pretty bad news so far. It hasn’t lifted the burden of performance expectations in the least. In fact, it has increased them exponentially. But we’re in good company. This is how Paul begins the book of Romans, too–all is sin and failure in the first two and a half chapters, concluding with this precept: No one – (and we have to repeat, this includes believer and unbeliever alike) – no one is going to be justified by living up to the law of God. When we come to the final judgment seat of Christ, there won’t be anyone there – not Mother Theresa or anyone else – who will be able to justify themselves in that legal court by their record of a life of perfect love.

But then we turn the page, and behold, Paul announces a remedy for this dismal situation–a perfect righteousness, a Life of perfect love toward God and man, is brought into court on behalf of the guilty and exhibited as a gift that has already been given to all who believe in Christ!

You can see where this is going. Stay tuned….

“You’re with Me….”

There’s a scene in The Shack where Mack and Jesus are out on the dock in the evening, enjoying the stars. Mack imagines he could reach out and pluck diamonds off a velvet black sky:

“Wow!” he whispered.

“Incredible!” Whispered Jesus…”I never get tired of this…”

They’re doing nothing, Jesus and Mack. Just lying on the dock looking up at the stars together.

Doesn’t look like the Assembly “god”, who was always intensely involved in or gearing up for the next meeting or outreach or seminar. Here God is just taking time to be with Mack….not doing anything.

This time of the year I always get pensive about my Christian life–August 2 is my “spritual birthday.” This year is especially poignant, because it marks 50 years–fifty years!– on this path. The feeling that first pops to the surface whenever I think about that is, “So little to show for it…” Not, “Wow, God is so faithful!”, but, “I haven’t done enough, or progressed enough, or…” Ridiculous! As if I could ever do enough or progress enough in holiness in this life!

But the reason for that inappropriate feeling comes from another significant event: Next month marks the fortieth anniversary of meeting George and Betty Geftakys. Which marked the end of joy in my salvation, and the beginning of the struggle to do more and be more and die more in the effort to be pleasing to God.

While Jesus and Mack are lying there on the dock, Mack says, “Jesus, I feel so lost.” Jesus reaches out a hand and squeezes his shoulder. “I know, Mack. But it’s not true. I am with you and I’m not lost….Hear me clearly. You are not lost.”

I’m feeling inadequate in my Christian life, and Jesus is saying, “Relax. Be at peace. I’m here with you in what you’re doing right now,”–which is the everyday things of ordinary life. Just “doing the next thing”. And it’s OK. I’m OK.

I want to hold onto that, because the mind control of those twenty years with G and B that began forty years ago is very powerful and still shapes how I feel way too frequently. Mack saying, “I feel lost,” (hearing it on the CD made a more lasting impression than reading it in the book) and Jesus saying, “You’re with me and I am not lost,” gives me a clear mental image to hang truth on. When the tense feeling comes that I ought to do more, or be more, I can hear Him saying, “You’re with me. Relax and know that I am God.”

I really do have to say after 50 years on the road, He preserves the souls of His own, and delivers them from the hand of the wicked. And just that in itself brings glory to His name from my life, no matter what else I accomplish or become.

Does this resonate….?

Donna at “Stop Spiritual Abuse” posted this. (It’s really short, about 2 minutes.)

I wonder if it resonates with you? It doesn’t with me, so much, but I can see how it might with some folks. In the Assembly I never “overcame” enough to get to this point. But maybe that was just me? Or maybe the legalism of our group had a different effect on people?

Quotes….

Two great quotes from Christian Recovery Forums over at Spiritual Abuse Recovery Resources:

“Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under live robber barons than under omnipotent moral busibodies. The robber baron’s cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good, will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.” ~ C.S. Lewis

“Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don’t mean to do harm — but the harm does not interest them. Or they do not see it, or they justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves.” ~ T.S.Eliot

This second one interests me particularly because I’ve been thinking lately about my tendency toward black-and-white thinking. Especially about narcissists. Of which there are currently several in my life. It is difficult to observe the damage they do and not reject them – no doubt an appropriate reaction to narcissists at a distance. Keep clear! But for those nearby? Eliot helps. They assert their superiority and control because they always need to feel better about themselves. So what they really need is love – how simple!

Yet how difficult…!

Peter Kreeft….

On the Assembly reflections website we have an excerpt from Peter Kreeft’s very, very helpful book, Making Sense out of Suffering. Even better, on his website there are MP3’s of his very listenable lectures available free of charge, including one on this same subject, and another entitled Shining Light on the Dark Side. Three others are treatments of books by two of my favorite authors: The Problem of Pain and Till We Have Faces, by C. S. Lewis, and 10 Uncommon Insights into Evil in The Lord of the Rings. Professor Kreeft is witty, concise, and to the point. These are going on my iPod!

Why call it “cultic”?….

Just a quick addendum to the previous discussion on the book Not of My Making. I was horrified at the treatment Maggie Jones received in three different churches. Those churches were not cults; they were just your normal boulevard church. So if even ordinary churches can sometimes be so hurtful, why do we imply that the Geftakys Assembly was somehow “cultic”? Are we just “disgruntled” former members with a huge chip on our shoulders who are trying to make the Assembly look worse than it was? Or worse yet, we’re tools of the devil, as GG and BG no doubt asserted?

Well, that is a possibility, of course. But here’s the deal. There are several specific behaviors that characterize cults. One element is special secret knowledge – this teacher / guru has the inside corner on knowing God. “You won’t get this anywheres else, friends.” Another is that you have to be very, very diligent in pursuit of it; not just anyone can get it. “You’ve got to press on to enter in, saints.” And another is that on your way in you aren’t told that you won’t be allowed to leave as a beloved child of God. “Those who leave have left the circle of life and light, and have gone out into the realm of death and darkness.” The bullying and scapegoating and misconduct that happen in some ordinary churches come into play in a cultic group to pressure you to try harder to achieve number two to please God, and to intimidate you into never even contemplating number three, which is viewed as leaving God.

We use the term “cultic” because it accurately describes Assembly dynamics. The important thing, though, is not the label you give a group. If the “cult” word conjures up Jonestown for you, then don’t use it. But when you come across that description, don’t automatically dismiss it, either. The important thing is to recognize controlling, unloving behaviors as unacceptabe among Christians.

The Internet Monk on parenting teens….

The iMonk posted some thoughts and questions for parents on Fathers’ Day. Good stuff, as usual. He talks about the implications of the wired world, the question of your own deepest values that shape your every day life, the peril of flash-in-the-pan evangelicalism. Point 1 is about entitlement. That is probably a tough one for some FAM’s – you give your kids a lot of stuff trying to make up for what they were denied in the Assembly. Or what you were denied, if you’re an FAK (former Ass’y kid). I love how Brian S. (formerly Fullerton) does it with his kids – he wildly enjoys the stuff with his kids. Which goes a long way toward minimizing too much free time, privacy, personal spending, and exposure to the wired world (point 5).

Point 4…well, point 4 pretty much undercuts a basic Assembly assertion (at least in the early days), that the parent must be in total control of the child and is completely responsible for how the child turns out. The truth is, your child will make his own decision about who he is going to be.

Point 7 is where you have to end up: “Are you ready to let God be God and let yourself off the hook?…Do your best, then let God take over.”

“Just carry on”….

“Just carry on” is one of the cards in The Oblique Strategies by Peter Schmidt and Brian Eno. Haven’t seen the set of cards, but I ran across this quote just now, and was surprised how a load suddenly felt lifted. Hmmm, wonder what that could be about….Even though I’ve consciously rejected the performance-based life, the mental conditioning still “carries on” (ironic, that). I guess I still usually go around with this monkey on my back. I’m going to try to develop measures to shake it off! Like writing out this quote and posting it a few places around the house.

(My reaction to this quote is one example of the results of Assembly mind control. Here is a short piece on Assembly Reflections on the subject, and here is a much longer treatment.)

Dr. Jones’ answer….

Saturday I posted my question to Dr. Jones regarding her book, Not of My Making: Bullying, Scapegoating and Misconduct in Churches.

Here is Dr. Jones’ reply:

Margaret Irons asked me, “What can persons who have formerly been abusive do now to make amends and help their former victims (with whom they are no longer in regular contact)?”

This is the first time anyone has asked me this. I am glad Ms. Irons has brought up an important issue. The question is also easy to answer, even if it may be hard to accomplish. The Bible and religious tradition is clear. First, the abuser needs to recognize they harmed someone else and that they were wrong to do so. Second, the abuser needs to repent or feel genuine sorrow for having harmed another human being. Third, the abuser needs to make restitution for the harm they have done. Fourth, they need to reform their behavior and try never to do it again to anyone.

That Ms. Irons asked this question indicates that she and some of her readers already recognize that they did something wrong while they were members of a cult. Since they are seeking ways to help their former victims indicates they are repentant. They have taken two difficult steps. Bullies often deny they have done anything wrong to anyone. Instead they say it didn’t happen, or that it was the victim’s fault, or the victim lies, or the victim is making a mountain out of a molehill, or the victim is crazy. Stuck in denial, bullies often remain unrepentant. They never say the one thing all victims long to hear, “I’m sorry for having hurt you. I was wrong.”

So that’s it. Write or call your victim. Tell him or her you are sorry, without making excuses for your behavior. Then wait humbly for your victim’s response. If s/he responds in anger just, bow your head and take your scolding. Repeat your apology. Tell them specifically what you did that was wrong. Ask them what you can do to make amends.

In Not of My Making, Ruth apologizes, but she never makes restitution. She never alters her behavior. I needed her to make a public apology and tell the rest of the congregation that she had wronged me. If she had done so it would have helped restore my reputation and made it more difficult for Rev. Karen to dechurch me. Now at this point in time, if Ruth were truly sorry and want to make amends, she would purchase my book and encourage others to do so. She would work with me to end spiritual abuse and bullying in churches.

If you are no longer in regular contact with your victim, try to locate them and write them a letter or call them. If that is not possible, apologize on your Facebook, in your blog, or at your church. Make a public confession and tell what happened and your part in it. At least one of your readers or listeners has been victimized. Hearing an apology will help heal their pain. This happened for me when a high school classmate posted an apology on our alumni wall to another classmate for bullying her. I posted the story on my blog and another classmate’s comment validated my school experience with bullying.

In summary, if you have been abusive, apologize to your victim. Do it publicly, if possible. Second, ask your victim how you can make amends, and then do it. Third, reform your behavior and never repeat the harmful behavior. Work to educate others about bullying and abuse. Support programs aimed at ending bullying.

My response: Thank you, Dr. Jones. It has been very helpful to me that you use the word “bullying” to describe what you experienced. I think in using the term “spiritual abuse” we’ve perhaps made the behavior seem abstract, and not related to things we actually did. “Bullying” is very clear and to the point. Our leader was a bully, and he taught us to bully others. That is something we can more easily recognize, admit and apologize for.

I know I do. People probably don’t often think in terms of female “bullies”. But I learned to be one, under Betty’s tutelage, and to teach others to do it, too. I bullied people who lived in our home. I bullied my own children – how far from “bringing them up” in the nurture and teaching of the Lord! I beat them down, and taught other mothers to do the same. I taught the camp counselors and high school counselors to bully the kids. “Sisters” wanted counsel, and wanted to meet with me, and I bullied them, using verses from the Bible, or some other book, to bludgeon them. I was so wrong, and so stupid to miss the main point Jesus made – “Let me give you a new command: Love one another!” I would welcome any reminders from readers of behavior I need to apologize to them for, and/or suggestions of how I might make amends.

Thank you for this timely book, Dr. Jones.

If any of you readers have comments for Dr. Jones, she is here with us this morning, and is willing to answer questions.

Dr. Jones comments: Meg, that is a really good point. Most people need spiritual abuse defined for them but they understand what bullying is. It was an epiphany for me when I saw John Stossel’s TV special, “The In-Crowd and Social Cruelty.” It was at that point I realized I was being bullied by my pastor and other church members. It put it into context for me and helped me realize it wasn’t anything I had done wrong.

BTW, I am traveling with my husband who is attending a conference. I will be spending much of my time writing and responding to comments for the rest of this week. So I am available right now and tonight. This week I am offering a special on “Not of My Making” on my blog.

My reply: That’s great! Thank you for the offer! In reply to your comment, I would add that when the bullying and social cruelty are done by spiritual leaders, it becomes spirital abuse as well, because, in our group at least, the leaders claimed to express God’s govenment and “have the mind of Christ”. People have a very difficult time shaking off that distorted image of God afterward. God is not a bully to his children, whom he loves as he loves his beloved Son Jesus (Jn 17)!

Dr. Jones’ comment: Meg, I have a hard time with Matthew 18: 15-17 and a couple of other gospel passages because of the way they were used. Because of this struggle my bible study group picked Matthew to read and discuss this spring and summer. They and I hope I will finally be able to hear those verses in context and not in the way they have been distorted.

My response: I hear you! That passage especially can be wrongly used to force someone into some very powerfully intimadating and shaming confrontations. In our group many Bible verses were used to bully folks. As a result, a lot of former members have a big problem reading the Bible. Going through some of those passages with a knowledgeable and supportive group, as you will be doing in your Bible study, is one of the best ways I know of to “detoxify” them and get them in your mind in a completely different context. Dr. Ronald Enroth observes, in his book Recovering from Churches that Abuse, that the wounds were received relationally, and they will be healed relationally.

Virtual book tour….

Dr. Margaret W. Jones, author of Not of My Making: Bullying, Scapegoating and Misconduct in Churches, will stop by here Monday on her virtual book tour to answer questions. One question I have for her is this: What can persons who have formerly bullied folks and been abusive do now to make amends to their former victims, with whom they are no longer in contact?

I explained to her that most of the readership of this blog come from a cultic church system where there was a top-down pyramid sort of structure. The leader “trained” his henchmen how to control people, and eventually many people used the methods that were used on them on each other. The methods included some of the same things that happened to Dr. Jones – using people and taking them for granted, ignoring their contribution, criticism, backbiting and innuendo, betrayal of confidences, ostracism within the group, shunning those who leave, plus a lot of other stuff I didn’t go into.

Our group pretty much fell apart in 2003 and people scattered. There are many of us who mistreated others, including myself, and don’t even remember most of the incidents because it was so commonplace. But the wounds are still festering in the recipients of our misconduct. Not of My Making does a poignant job of describing what that feels like. It would be great if Dr. Jones could give us some direction on how to help heal the pain that many still feel.

Stay tuned.

Not of my Making….

Not of My Making: Bullying, Scapegoating and Misconduct in Churches is an account of Dr. Margaret W. Jones’ abusive church experiences. I was sent a copy of the book and invited to take part in Dr. Jones’ virtual book tour. I am glad I read it.

In brief, Not of My Making is about the author’s background of childhood abuse, and how she was subsequently mistreated in several denominational churches. Dr. Jones’ story brings into focus the fact that when a church operates on the basis of what it perceives to be the best interests of itself as an institution, rather than focusing on the best interests of the individual members, it can do great harm, especially to those who are particularly vulnerable.

Growing up, Maggie Jones was the youngest of five children in an alcoholic family. Her father was verbally abusive. Her uncle molested her. Her alcoholic mother neglected her care and sent her to school unwashed and unkempt in tattered hand-me-downs. Classmates excluded her because she was “different” and she “smelled”. Having not been properly nurtured or socialized, she could not find a way to successfully fit in with classmates. She was desperately anxious and depressed. In her freshman year in college she began burning and cutting herself. She attempted suicide several times, and was hospitalized for six weeks on one occasion.

She eventually found an excellent, caring therapist, and after two years the suicidal thoughts and self-harming stopped. She felt that Dr. Howard had saved her life. She graduated from college, married a fellow psychology student from Trinidad, had two children, went on to graduate school to earn a Ph.D. in psychology, and became a successful psychologist.

During her last year of graduate school Maggie became aware of a spiritual emptiness that had been previously masked by the depression. She began attending a Unitarian church. Over the next twenty years of active membership in three different churches, she experienced bullying, scapegoating, betrayal and mistreatment, with devastating personal consequences.

In the first of these churches, she was silenced and ostracized because she felt there should be open discussion about the homosexual orientation of a ministerial candidate prior to voting. The election was done by show of hands. Afterward, she was ostracized for her negative vote, and eventually advised to resign her church membership. She writes:

Resigning my church membership was very painful. I lost another family. I hadn’t realized how conditional my acceptance at Murray had been. I became frightened of voicing my doubts and concerns, not only on the issue of homosexuality but also on other issues where I might be viewed as politically incorrect. I internalized other people’s negative judgment of my character. Even though I had done nothing to harm anyone else, and rationally, I knew I had only voiced some doubts and tried to initiate a conversation about them, I fought feelings of shame…I believed that the problems I encountered were typical to all organizations. So I stopped actively searching for another congregation and remained unchurched for a couple of years…Leaving Murray left me feeling empty. I yearned for the connection with others that was denied me when I was a child.”

Several years later, Dr. Jones decided to visit another Unitarian church. It was a Sunday when new members were being welcomed into the tiny congregation. She writes: “During the service when the new members were called to the front of the sanctuary, my eyes started to tear. The more I tried to stop, the more I cried. The tears just needed to come…I had hoped the passage of time would heal my grief over the loss of my church. It hadn’t.”

She joined this church and became active in leadership roles. Another leader in the church used her to promote his agenda for church growth, and once again, Dr. Jones ran into trouble. She was scapegoated and viewed as a troublemaker. It turned out that some people in this church knew of her experience in the previous Unitarian church. Confidences were betrayed. Her anxiety escalated and she realized she needed to return to therapy. With the therapist’s help and after much heart-wrenching soul searching, she decided she needed to leave the church. The pastor sent her an email: “When we understood from Don that you had decided to leave the church, everyone I spoke with was relieved. You are not welcomed as a member. I have made it clear to the board that if you return, I will resign as minister….”

Maggie’s anxiety intensified to such a pitch that it triggered the old mechanism of self-harm, the desire to inflict physical pain to override the emotional torment. She writes, “I needed to believe God valued me and didn’t want any harm to come to me. But where was God?” She tried to control the anxiety by keeping busy. She got involved with classes sponsored by the National Council of Churches, where she met a caring Lutheran pastor. She tried visiting another church, but found herself bursting into tears. This pastor noticed, and took her aside to talk. But she found she was no longer able to trust anyone enough to talk about church issues. She didn’t know who might misuse personal information. She describes this time:

For the past few months I had been teetering on the edge of a cliff, about to fall off. There were people offering their hands, but I didn’t know which ones, if any, could be trusted not to let me go. Who is to say they wouldn’t eventually betray me?”

The Lutheran pastor continued to reach out to her, and she eventually joined the Lutheran church. The urge to self-harm decreased. She terminated therapy. She remained conflicted about getting involved with other people, however. She felt uncertain about how much of herself to share, for fear they would eventually reject her if she sought their help.

Then, in response to a plea from Lutheran Social Services for foster parents for Sudanese teens who had survived the civil war, she and her husband welcomed James into their family. But James, charming and handsome, lied, stole, used people, and exhibited no qualms of conscience. The Jones’ took steps to return him to LSS. James, however, had ingratiated himself into the lives of other church members who did not see the problem. He was viewed as an innocent child. Dr. Jones was once again cast as a trouble maker and rejected. Disciplinary action was initiated against her. She left the church. She writes:

During the months following my dechurching from Immanuel, my mood swung between rage and inconsolable grief….I needed to talk the way someone who has almost drowned gulps for air….
Judith Herman’s “Trauma and Recovery” makes clear that survivors’ emotional distress and rage has more to do with their perpetrators’ betrayal and very little to do with the survivor’s personality. If someone had struck my knee with a baseball bat, no one would be surprised that the blow had shattered my kneecap. No-one would whisper that the injury was due to my defective character. If enough stress is applied, all of us would eventually break.

Not of My Making is a book Dr. Jones needed to write. She needed to tell her story and receive a hearing from others who have had similar experiences. She needs to receive confirmation from online communities of folks who know exactly what she is talking about. It is a book that speaks for those abused by churches everywhere. It will help other survivors recognize that they were not the problem – the abusive system was the problem. Hopefully this book will encourage others to speak up.

Maggie Jones’ story underscores how far from the love of Jesus was the treatment she received in these churches. Jesus is the Good Shepherd. He binds up the wounded, he carries the lambs, he runs after the straying. He sees to it that all his sheep are tended and included in the fold. In Dr. Jones’ experience, the churches re-injured her wounds, gossiped about her, spread rumors, bullied her, edged her out and shunned her. Not of My Making gives insight into just how damaging such unloving treatment can be, especially to survivors of previous abuse.

Leaders in the Geftakys Assembly in any kind of position of authority – Leading brothers, heads of training homes, Head Stewards, outreach leaders, Children’s Hour teachers, camp counselors, teachers and aids at Cornerstone, parents, etc.- were actually trained to bully and mistreat people, in the name of “tough love”. This book shows in painful detail how damaging such treatment is.

Dr. Paul Martin is in grave condition….

Urgent prayer request: Word was received at a recent conference that Dr. Paul Martin has suffered a relapse of the leukemia and is in grave condition. Please pray for Dr. Martin, the family, and the future of Wellspring. Messages of encouragement and support can addressed to P. O. Box 67, Albany, OH 45710. You may also enter them as comments on this post, and I will send them on to Dr. Martin.

Wellspring is continuing in its capacity to help survivors, and here’s a heads-up to those who have considered attending the two-week in-house recovery program: Wellspring is currently offering one scholarship each month of a 65% rate reduction for those who qualify.

Marriage wisdom….

Take note, all ye whose marriages have been impacted by an authoritarian Christian group. In honor of his son’s wedding this week the Internet Monk posted some “proverbs” he wrote for the young couple. He has some refreshing words of wisdom that circumvent the usual categories and stimulate Biblical thinking on the subject. Great, great advice on marriage! Here’s a sampling:

Marriage is like a third person, like a child that has brought you together. It has its own power, but you have to nurture, care for and protect it, or it will grow weak, sick or even die.

Admit that being in love and learning how to love a real human being all the time are different things.

The atmosphere in a marriage is a matter of small things done consistently in love, not large things done to make up for failures.

Marriage, like everything else in the authoritarian legalistic group, was framed primarily–surprise!–in authoritarian terms. Get clear in your minds who is the Chief and who is the Indian. But when you really think about, Jesus boiled the essentials down to something entirely different–love one another. And then he demonstrated what he was talking about by washing his disciples’ feet. He did that, the true Lord and Master. The iMonk’s proverbs translate that concept into practical terms.

Quote on spiritual freedom…..

Here is a great quote on the sweetness of spiritual freedom from Chuck Swindoll, Grace Awakening. In response to those like Betty G. who would retort, “You just don’t want to be subject to the Lord and go the way of the cross,” I would reply that being obedient to Christ is not the same thing as being subject to people who call themselves God’s servants. The New Testament is pretty clear that Christians are not to try to control one another. There is Paul’s example in the book of Philemon, where he requests that Philemon free his slave Onesimus and send him back to Paul. But he says, “I did not want to do anything without your consent, so that any favor you do will be spontaneous and not forced.” Jesus said, “The rulers of the Gentiles Lord it over you, but it shall not be so among you.” How sweet it is to be free from a system where “counsel” was as binding as chains of steel.

So George could say…

In 1970 (before the Assembly began) there was a weekend seminar in George and Betty Geftakys’ home. Some people hung around afterward to talk–his teenage son, Tim, and his friends, several women in their sixties who had been part of a similar ministry in the past, several young couples who were experimenting on Saturday nights with their ideas of what the church really ought to look like. George proposed, with enthusiasm (as he did everything), “What we need is a prayer meeting. You people here are the backbone of this ministry. We need to meet every two weeks on Saturday to pray all day for this ministry. The Lord wants to do great things, and there is great opposition. What do you say, friends! Is that too much to ask for the Lord?” Thus was born the Workers Prayer Meeting.

Now, wherever he went he could say, “This ministry is bathed in prayer. I have a whole group of people praying for me all day twice a month.” That tended to set polite skeptics back on their heels a bit. After all, the guy was apparently not a lone wolf, he had serious people behind him.

On another occasion George said, “I remember the days when Billy Sunday preached in tent meetings. Those were wonderful days, friends, wonderful! God came down on that tent, glory filled it. It’s a shame there are no more tent meetings. God used them in a mighty way. I’m all for raising up a new tent campaign for the Lord, what do you say, friends! Wouldn’t that be glorious, a tent right here on Harbor Boulevard!”

And so the yearly Fullerton and Huntington Beach tent campaigns were born. Never mind that they were an anachronism, they never drew crowds of people, they sucked huge amounts of time and energy from many people to put them on. That didn’t matter, because George was able to say, “In this ministry, we don’t care about the latest fad in the churches. We do things the old fashioned way. We just preach the gospel, like Billy Sunday and Billy Graham.”

“…So George could say”….How much of what we did was really for this purpose, so George Geftakys could give an impression – “This is my ministry, this is who I am.” All nights of prayer, summer schools on university campuses, even the seminars…In addition to being tools for mind control, they were stage setting and props and cast to support the illusion of George and Betty Geftakys’ drama.

We cannot fail….

Joe Sperling shared a couple of encouraging posts this month on the Assembly board that are especially good for those of us who still have the lovely combo of BG and GG’s messages in our subconscious: GG – “Strive harder or you’re going to lose out eternally “, (we are going to make it, George, God says so), and BG – “You must perfectly excel in every smallest thing you do, especially cleaning the grout in the tile.” Is anyone else still plagued with this? GG’s threats don’t bother me any more, thanks to a revised theology, but I still have a little Betty in me criticizing every cotton pickin’ thing I do – not so much the tile grout, but my daily walk with God – “You didn’t pray enough today, you haven’t been reading your Bible enough, your attitude has not been full of perfect joy and peace, I hear inward grumbling,” and on and on and on…..Here’s is Joe’s encouragement. April 2 – This one is for GG.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God”. (Heb. 12:1,2)

I think we can all remember as little kids when we left with our parents on a long drive to a vacation spot, or maybe to visit some relatives. The drive would start out with great excitement and joy. But as we all know, kids are very impatient, so not too long afterward the excitement would abate and the perpetual question “Are we there yet?!!?” would begin to fill the air, followed by squirming, and a lot of moaning and groaning.

What had happened (and it is only natural) is that the “focus” was gone—the future excitement and thoughts of the destination were replaced by the present reality of confinement, repetition, and impatience. Often though, when one of us kids would start talking about what we were going to do once we got there the excitement would return.

The above is a very lame example, I’m sure, but as Christians we need to recall “what were going to do when we get there” also, but of course, on a much larger scale. This current life is filled with a sense of “confinement” and repetition. We grow impatient, and all of us truly at heart hate trials and struggles. It is only natural. We are human. So, we need to stir ourselves up at times. We need to remember the day of our salvation and the deep joy, and huge excitement we experienced!! We need to meditate on Scriptures that bring to remembrance our Heavenly hope, and the Loving Savior who will embrace us there!! We need to “look away onto Jesus” and remember that the Bible says he “ever makes intercession for us”—-he is praying for us and cheering us on during this life we are living—and because he prays we will not fail. Even as he said to Peter when he stated that “Satan had desired to sift him as wheat” he added with assurance, “But I have prayed for you that your faith fail not”. Peter may have stumbled greatly, but because Jesus prayed for him he was restored, and ended his life in great victory!!

When we “run with endurance” it doesn’t mean we won’t ever fail or fall. It means we get back up if we have stumbled, and again “look away onto Jesus” and recall our salvation, and the promises that Jesus made to us then. His promises are still the same–”I go to prepare a place for you” is a promise just as real and true now as it was when you read and believed it the first time. We know we aren’t “there yet”, though we may squirm, moan and groan like little kids at times, and complain. The important thing is to focus once again—-read Romans 8, Hebrews 12, Revelation 21 and other Scriptures that speak of that blessed destination we all hope for—–and especially that most blessed person, Jesus, who yearns more for our arrival than we do! That truly is something to get excited about!!

“For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works. (Titus 2:11-14)

April 21 – this one is for BG.

“Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them”. (Hebrews 7:25)

I mentioned this verse just recently, but it has really stuck with me since then. The verse mentions “us” and it mentions “Jesus”. And what can a stumbling, mumbling, grumbling person like me do to be saved? Absolutely nothing. All I can do is “come to God through Jesus” and admit my sinfulness, weakness, pride, and inability to do anything. And what will God do? He is “able to save me completely” (The KJV says “to the uttermost”) as a result.

And why? Because of my faithfulness and moral character? Because of my striving and good works? No. It’s because Jesus “always lives to intercede for me”. I mentioned Peter before. Peter denied the Lord. Why did he repent and return? Because Peter was a very moral person? Because Peter was a good-hearted guy who saw how wrong he was? No. Peter repented and returned because “Jesus prayed for him that his faith would not fail”. Jesus KNEW Peter was going to deny him—-but because Jesus prayed for him he did not utterly fall like Judas did.

Sometimes we are tempted after a particularly long streak of being really “good” to think God is looking down and saying “Boy, that Joe sure is a faithful, good guy. Look how he strives, look how hard he works. Because he is doing such a good job, I’ll continue to love him”. But then, as we are all prone to do at times, we fall. Now, we are tempted to think God is looking down and thinking “Boy, that Joe used to be a faithful, good guy. He used to strive, and work really hard at being good. When he gets back to being a good person again, I’ll love him more also”.

Sounds stupid—but some of us are prone to think that way. We need to remember that Jesus prayed for Peter BEFORE he even denied him. Satan wanted to “sift Peter” and Jesus said “I HAVE prayed for you that your faith fail not”. That is important to see. Jesus ALREADY KNOWS how and when we are going to fail. He saved us DESPITE what he already knew about us, and what we were going to do.

The Father doesn’t love us because of what we do, or how faithful we are—–He loves us because of WHO WE ARE IN JESUS. It’s hard sometimes to see that and remember it–we are so prone to self-condemnation. That is why God gave us Romans 8:1 “There is therefore NO CONDEMNATION to them who ARE IN CHRIST JESUS”. We may “feel” condemned, but God assures us WE ARE NOT. The Father looks to the Son, and the Son is interceding for us weak, stumbling sheep—and because of that alone—-WE CANNOT FAIL. If it were left to me I’d run headlong into hell, and I know it. But I CANNOT FAIL, because Jesus is “always interceding for me”. Like Peter, I may stumble and fall. But I can be assured, because Jesus prays, I will get up again, and finally reach my final destination.

What a comforting, wonderful reality—Jesus is interceding for us. Even at this very moment we are all in his prayers. “Know ye not that it is the goodness of God that leads you to repentance? (Romans 2:4)

Jesus Interrupted….

Ben Witherington has a great series of posts on Bart Ehrman’s latest book, Jesus Interrupted: Revealing the hidden contradictions in the Bible (and why we didn’t know about them). Dr. Witherington approaches it on a scholarly level, eschewing any fundamentalistic emotional rant on inerrancy. He deftly teases out the weaknesses in Ehrman’s arguments and brings the conversation around to the big picture of the reliability of the Bible as we have it. Thought-provoking reading for those who would like to dismiss Christianity after a devastating church experience.

“Why should I believe in Easter when life is so difficult?”

Dave Sable first posted this on Facebook.

“I admit that when I am hit with my occasional bouts of depression that it is hard to really get into the “He is Risen!” spirit. Resurrection Life seems a really cool concept, a neat idea. But the reality feels a million miles away from my experience. Over Passion Week, I admit relating better to Judas and Peter (those who failed through poor choices) than experiencing a chipper, up-beat, always-joyous Resurrection Life flowing through my veins.

“The disciples lived for a time between two events. One event was that of dashed hopes of the crucifixion. The other was the then-unknown victory of the resurrection. Some are hard on Peter for going back to his old vocation of fishing but the temptation to give into despair is not trivial. He had no mental category to believe that Sunday was coming.

“Even after the resurrection, despair is luring. The Resurrection certainly speaks of victory and new life yet I live in a world where to me this new life feels very other-worldly and distant. I am surrounded by bad decisions and difficult conversations. As many as come to God, many seem to fall away; even more are indifferent. The vibrancy and cultural-effect of the church is diminished compared to the early church. Catastrophic national problems are caused not through accidents or natural disasters but through sheer selfishness and evil intent.

“Why should I believe in God’s victory of any kind when life is so difficult, the world is so dangerous, and purposeless evil seems to reign?

“There are three ways to look at this problem. First, I can turn to cynicism and assume all of this talk of new life and resurrection is childish fairy tales. To do this, I would have to give up altogether.

“Second, I can put blinders on towards the evil and difficulty in this life and claim that by faith there is no sickness, sorrow, or economic crisis – that Jesus’ victory is here now to those who claim it and those who look at the difficulty of life commit the ultimate sin of lacking faith. To do this, I would have to redefine or ignore the inconsistencies in my own life and the world about me.

“The third view is the one that makes the most sense to me. Like the disciples, I too live between two events. The first event is the Resurrection where the victory was secured. The second event is the new heaven and the new earth where the victory will be brought to full fruition.

“In my life today, I see sparkling glimmers of the victory at Calvary- the drug addict that gets free, the marriage that gets restored, the life that is sacrificed in service to God, the believer who stands for justice in his workplace, and the manic depressive person who drags herself to church to serve coffee and be around others. These are hints that something vital and wonderful was secured on Calvary and people to some degree are working that victory out.

“However, these hints are pointing to a day future where what we know today will be transformed into a new heaven and new earth. All of our feeble attempts at holiness, love, righteousness, and godliness will be resurrected and made into what God had always intended it to be. No decision we make today, no struggle, no attempt to please God will be wasted. Evil will be cast down. New life will be fully manifested.

“So even though I see though a glass darkly, I can celebrate the past victory, imperfectly seek to accord my life to that victory today and live expectantly to see its full fruition in the future. He is risen indeed.”

Thanks, Dave. Where I fellowship this concept is referred to as “the already” and “the not yet”. I think often the wonder of the resurrection is spoken of as if now everything is resolved in victory, forgetting that Jesus has not yet come again in his kingdom. I especially like how you refer to this as the transformation of the new heaven and new earth. We see the glimmers of new life among God’s people, but life on earth will be completely transformed when the new earth is come and the King is reigning in glory!